This article by Steve Whysall appeared in the Feb. 18, 2005 edition of the Vancouver Sun
First, some simple starter questions. If this were Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, these would be the easy $100 questions.
Question 1:
You have spent a small fortune on air tickets and a hotel room to attend a wedding. Are you still obliged to give a gift?
Answer: Absolutely. Here's what Judith Martin, better known as Miss Manners, says: "Guests do not get expense accounts for attending weddings, which they can then apply against the debt of a wedding present."
Question 2:
You and your spouse receive a wedding invitation, but your partner can't make it. Are you allowed to take along someone else?
Answer: No way. Again, according to Miss Manners: "A wedding invitation to a married couple is not like a pair of theatre tickets to be transferred to others."
Question 3:
You want to invite a friend to your wedding, but your fiance doesn't want to invite the friend's husband. Is it okay to say the invitation does not extend to the husband?
Answer: Sorry. Couples are invited or not invited as a couple. Miss Manners says the whole idea of inviting one and not the other is "insulting" and the rejected one has a right to feel offended.
Wedding etiquette is a vast subject. We will barely scratch the surface here today, but others have done deep and useful work on the issue.
There is, for instance, Anti-Bride: Etiquette Guide, The Rules and How to Bend Them, by Carolyn Gerin and Kathleen Hughes, which was written to provide "sensitive advice for skilfully navigating sticky situations and outmoded traditions."
And then there's the classic, painfully proper guide to wedding etiquette, On Weddings, by Miss Manners (a.k.a. Judith Martin).
Using these and other sources, here's a concise guide to the key aspects of wedding etiquette, from the basic issue of who pays for what to more complex dilemmas like how to tell people who assume they are invited that they aren't.
The announcement:
As out-dated as this may sound, the engagement should be first announced at a small gathering of family and friends, perhaps at a cocktail party or a gathering at a local restaurant. After that, announcements can be made to the community through the newspaper.
Who pays for what.
This is only as complicated as you want it to be. There are no hard and fixed rules, but there are traditions. Here's a breakdown of who is usually expected to pay for what.
Wedding ring for groom, bridesmaids' gifts, bridesmaids' luncheon.
Bride's wedding ring, marriage licence, officiant fee, rehearsal dinner, bride's bouquet, mothers' corsages, boutonnieres for groomsmen and ushers, limo service, honeymoon.
Bridesmaids' bouquets, grandmother corsages, flowers for ceremony and reception, invitations and announcements, wedding programs, church fee, reception (including catering and all rental items), photography, orchestra, band or DJ, wedding cake, wedding favours, and wedding breakfast.
Bridegrooms, maid-of-honour, matron-of-honour and groomsmen are all responsible for renting or purchasing their wedding attire.
IN REALITY:
Times have changed. Couples will often pay for their own weddings. If one set of parents want to pay the whole shot because they are clearly able to, then they should be allowed to.
In Anti-Bride, Gerin and Hughes put it this way: "Hey we're not here to judge! If your family wants to pay for the whole wedding and they are doing it out of love, then break out the bubbly and toast their generosity."
Couples sometimes insist on picking up the bill because they then feel totally free to have the wedding they want, doing everything their way.
The more formal the wedding, the more traditional the wording. Never e-mail wedding invitations or thank-you notes.
- The Anti-Bride recommends: "Approach the task as you would a real-estate purchase
- with cold eye and an appreciation of the bottom line. You have a limited amount of money and space. You know the people you want to invite [your tribe] as well as the people you feel you should invite."
Very tacky unless there is a good reason. Have someone call guests two weeks ahead of the event to make sure they are coming.
Hard to imagine, but some people want only adults at their wedding. Spell it out by addressing the invitation specifically to the parents and on the reply card making it clear that only grown-ups are expected.
Show the utmost sensitivity to parents. Anti-Bride recommends: "Reassure your family that you love your religion and you're not turning your back on everything they've taught you"
Having said that, the guide adds: "Listen to them and allow them input, but follow your heart and act according to your comfort level."
If the bride has more guests than the groom rather than have a lopsided number in church, some of the bride's family should sit on the groom's side to even things up. It makes sense.
A huge mistake. It is an offence guests won't forget or forgive, says Miss Manners. "If you can't afford liquor at your wedding serve tea or punch, if you can't afford that, serve water but serve it graciously."
It's absolutely essential to write thank-you notes. "If the writing of thank-you letters is to be declared defunct, then the giving of presents must also be declared defunct." says Miss Manners.
If the bride-to-be breaks it off, she gives back the ring and gifts. If the groom breaks it off, the bride gets to keep the ring.
© The Vancouver Sun 2005
